Fear changes

What are you afraid of?  Getting on a camioneta that’s going to get robbed by armed, ruthless men who will shoot and kill you if you, or another person on the bus, refuses to give up all money, jewelry, and electronics?  Contracting some infectious disease that you most likely don’t have to worry about in the States like malaria?  Drinking water or eating food that will give you worms, parasites, or God-knows-what? 

When I was applying to volunteer, some people asked me, “Aren’t you scared?” or commented that I was “brave” for making such a decision.  Well now, I’m not one to take unnecessary risks, but I also don’t find myself worrying about everything that can go wrong.  So, my fears?  No, I am not scared of taking camionetas nor am I afraid of walking alone in my aldea. I am not afraid of eating fresh fruits and veggies nor the water.  In the midst of watching “The Walking Dead,” I am not afraid that the world is going to be taken over by zombies, especially in my small aldea. … or maybe it will.

Of course I have fears. However, in the six months that I’ve been here, they have changed. 

For example, before I came to Guatemala, I had a fear of bugs.  I could not kill spiders or pick up beetles or touch moths and butterflies.  I felt the adrenaline rush through my body as I watched cockroaches scurry across the room.  I didn’t want to see or know that the silverfish was, yes, crawling on the wall alongside my bed.

FEAR FACTOR OF BUGS before (out of 10) = 9.7

In Guatemala, I’ve seen and lived with more bugs than I can remember.  Families of spiders, beetles, and numerous insects that I have never seen before.  To add to the constant familiarization of insects in my room and daily walks to and from work, one friend is a University student studying agronomy.  For class, he has to collect 200+ different species of insects.  He invited me to go to the river with him to collect them (embarrassingly, I had to be reminded that no, spiders aren’t insects).  That was the first step of breaking the barriers of my fear of bugs.  Second, in the family I moved into, I have three younger brothers and a sister who do NOT have a smidge of fear of bugs in them.  In fact, they grab insects and bring them to me to show them to me…………..  Once they found out my friend needs to collect insects, they constantly brought bugs into my room so that I could then give them to my friend.  I have slept with so many bugs in small plastic bags in my room.  Of course, they don’t like being the plastic bags and try to escape. The butterflies and moths make lots of noise as they flap their wings in the enclosed space.  One scarab actually escaped from the bag using his incredible strength, horn, and sharp protrusions on the legs.

For “Día de la Biodiversidad,” I asked my friend to give a presentation on insects.  He did a great job with the kids and also had them go around the fields and forest to capture more.  Really, these kids do NOT have fear of bugs.  The girls too!  They brought a myriad of insects, big and small, ones that bite, ones that are harmless, ones that look really ugly, and ones that are actually very beautiful, with shiny exoskeletons.  I can catch bugs without freaking out now!

One more bug story.  I had no idea cockroaches could get any bigger than 3 inches.  They can.  I really don’t know the exact species of the cockroaches that are here, but they are HUGE.  I have seen several that are 8+ inches – no, I am not kidding.  They are reddish brown and make a lot of noise when they flap their 2 pairs of wings (a harder, bigger pair to protect the small pair inside) and fly.  Their antennas are long and thick, moving about.  My host family has a cat named Capulina.  She is not like house cats in the States – she catches and eats rats and mice for meals.  She also catches and eats insects.  One evening when there were several of these cockroaches loitering around the house, she caught them and…. ate… them… In the morning, we found remnants of FOUR cockroaches. Apparently, the head, antennas, and exterior pair of wings don’t taste too good.  She left those.  One pair of the antennas was still moving.  It was like the headless chicken that ran around, only this time, the head was the part that was trying to find its way.

FEAR FACTOR OF BUGS now = 3.6

Another fear I had was of hiking down because it’s so easy to slip and fall.  Hiking up is more tiring, but easier than going down.  Walking in the States is really easy.  Sidewalks are nicely paved and flat.  There are stairs for inclinations.  It’s really hard to trip up and fall. Even the trails that I used to go on were relatively easy; those park rangers really do a good job of maintenance.  Therefore, I wouldn’t find myself falling on my bum too many times.  I rarely tripped or fell.  Here, however, walking is not really easy.  I had to learn how to walk again.

The roads are not paved.  Stairs?  HAHAHAHAHAHA! What stairs?  Now, I have to walk on dirt roads and rocky trails with a myriad of things to fall on, slip on, trip over… pebbles, sticks, dry pine leaves (the worst), vines, etc.  The first time I went on a walk with my friend to the river, I was in for a surprise because I had the impression that there would be a nice trail.  There was no trail – we hiked in the woods/mountains and across the very slippery rocks in the river.  I slipped into the river several times and fell on my bum many more times, especially when we had to walk down a very steep incline.  Seriously, I thought I was going to die.  I thought I was going to slip, slide down on the pine leaves, and over the edge, plunging 20 meters into the river.

FEAR FACTOR OF WALKING DOWN before = 8.5

But, fears diminish and disperse, little by little, if they happen… everyday.  Falling becomes something acceptable (especially when you’re alone and your students don’t see you).  There is no pavement.  The roads aren’t flat.  Need to go up; need to go down.  Losing your footing?  Normal.  There’s no reason to be afraid of slipping on loose pebbles or a peach seed because it’s going to happen anyway.  I’m not going to die.  The worst that can happen is that I’ll soil my pants or sprain a wrist.  What’s the point in getting all flustered over it?  Six year olds walk these paths to school everyday.  I’m allowed to fall on my butt.  If you’re wondering, yes I slipped walking to school this morning.  And the peach pit?  I slipped on that in my backyard while walking to the cows.  Apparently, my younger brother spit that one out after eating a juicy durazno.  Homework for the rest of my service: learning to walk.

FEAR FACTOR OF WALKING DOWN now = 0.1

So, thank you Guatemala, for helping diminish two fears. Fear changes. Fears change. Let’s see how much more changes in two years.

Reading: A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar

Listening to: “Ya no es igual” by Frankie J